Monrose SongFic Series - Roman Reigns Reader
by ReignMyWorld
Summary: You and Joe had been best friends ever since college, being able to tell each other everything. This, however, changed when he started avoiding you after you had told him that you plan on marrying your boyfriend. You tried to figure out where this sudden change came from, but it was only when Joe appeared in your apartment one day, that you learn the truth.
1. What you don't know

Chapter Summary:

You and Joe had been best friends ever since college, being able to tell each other everything. This, however, changed when he started avoiding you after you had told him that you plan on marrying your boyfriend. You tried to figure out where this sudden change came from, but it was only when Joe appeared in your apartment one day, that you learn the truth.

Notes:

Warnings: a little bit of angst and fluff

Pairing: Joe Anoa'i x Reader

Note: This is Part 1 of the Monrose SongFic Series

Originally published here: post/172461551976/what-you-dont-know-songfic-roman-reigns-x-reader

Monrose - What you don't know

The song used for this SongFic was What you don't know by Monrose. Since I'm not allowed to post the lyrics here, please look them up accordingly. :-)

You sighed as you were turning the page of the book you were reading, trying to hold back your thoughts from returning to your best friend. Things between the both of you had changed, you were quite aware of that but you couldn't tell, what exactly was the reason for that. Joe and you had been pretty close ever since you visited college together and it was back then when he became your best friend. You didn't have any secrets from each other and you knew that you could call him in the middle of the night if you needed someone to talk and vice versa. You were happy for him when he started dating his later wife and you shared his excitement when he told you that he would become a father. And you were there when he chased his dream of being a professional wrestler as well as when he was able to finally fulfill it as he signed with WWE, first with NXT only to be moved to the main roster shortly after. There was only one thing that you didn't tell him, that you couldn't tell him to be more precise, and that was that your feelings ran deeper than just on the best friend level. Of course that was something you would have never shared with him, knowing how happy he was with the life he was living.

So the best way for you was to keep your feelings to yourself, rather having him as your best friend only, than scaring him away by letting him know about it and maybe losing him for good. That was not always easy of course but you thought that you managed to do so quite well - at least you hadn't the impression that he had noticed. But that might have changed. You were reminiscing your actions and your words towards him, trying to figure out whether you did or said something that could have given your real feelings away. But no matter how hard you tried to remember, you just couldn't come up with a suitable solution. It was just from one moment to the next - or so it seemed to you at least - that he became somehow distant. As you knew him so damn well, you sensed it right away. He was less relaxed in your presence, you could tell that he wasn't sharing everything with you anymore like he had before. He didn't answer to your texts right away, which was absolutely uncommon for him and you had the impression that he somehow avoided you, not only by not opening up to you anymore but also by not asking you how your relationship was going and so on.

If you thought about that in more detail, it wasn't really from one moment to the next. It was that evening a couple weeks ago, where you were sitting on the porch next to him during a house party of one of your friends, gazing up at the stars and having one of your deeper conversations. It was then when you told him that you and your boyfriend were talking about getting married, about moving to another state due to his job and you wanted to have his input on that topic. You couldn't tell right away what was wrong with him but you realized that he got more and more quiet the more you told him, only to let you know that you should marry him if he makes you happy. Little did he know that your boyfriend would never be able to do that - although he was a great guy. But your heart simply didn't belong to him. It was from that moment on that Joe started to drift away from you and you had absolutely no idea why.

Of course you had a few drinks that evening but you were 100% positive that you haven't told Joe that he meant more to you than he should as your best friend. You have tried to figure out what was bothering him but whenever you brought that topic up, he would give you another excuse along the lines of "I'm sorry but I'm too busy at work", "Sorry I can't talk, I'm running late to drop the kid off" or simply "No offense but I'm too tired to even keep my eyes open" and whenever you would ask him in person, he would just change the topic. It pained you to realize that your best friend was slowly drifting away, knowing that there was nothing you could do against it as he locked you out, not letting you know what was bothering him. And the truth was, that you were too tired to ask him and try to keeping him close. You always thought that you knew him to the core, that you actually knew him better than his own wife, but by now you had to admit that he had managed to become a stranger in front of your own eyes and that did hurt more than you could tell, especially not knowing the reason behind it. You tried to concentrate on your book but after having read the same sentence for the tenth time and still not grasping what was standing there, you closed your book with an annoyed groan. "Perfect just perfect. How about you try to stop your self-pity for at least a few moments?", you scolded yourself as you got up in order to brew some coffee.

As you were waiting for the water to boil, the phone suddenly rang and in the first moment your hope sparked that it would be Joe, being his old self again. You felt slightly guilty as you felt disappointment washing over you the first second you heard your boyfriend's voice. He wanted to tell you that he had landed safely in the first town of his business trip and that he was already missing you. You told him the same - of course you did, but the truth was that you didn't really share his feelings. He was a top guy, funny, well-mannered, hard-working and you knew how unfair it was, but he simply was not your best friend. You counted the seconds until it was polite enough to end the call because you just had not the energy to continue your small talk, especially since he wanted to talk about the topic of marriage again. You didn't feel like sharing a future with him anyway, but you just hadn't the guts to tell him yet.

You took another deep breath as you grabbed your coffee, putting some sugar and milk in it and stirring it, completely trapped in your thoughts. The ringing of the doorbell made you snap out of your thoughts. You weren't awaiting any visitors or parcels but you assumed that it could be one of your neighbors, asking for some ingredients like it had happened for quite some time in the past. To say that you were surprised when you were opening the door would be a slight understatement. You almost dropped your mug when you saw Joe standing there. It wouldn't have surprised you in the past but nowadays, with him avoiding you the best he could, it absolutely took you off guard seeing him standing there. "Joe what are you doing here?", you wanted to know, your voice full of surprise. He just stared at you without saying a word and you couldn't help but turn slightly nervous under his intense glare. It was not that you were afraid of him, since he was basically the most peaceful guy outside of the ring that you have ever met, but if you wouldn't have known this, you would have had no problem believing that he could snap you in half right away. "Are you okay?", you tried your luck again, but he preferred to further stare down at you instead of saying a word. You searched for an answer in his face but the only expression you found there was the one he often had in the ring, as he was awaiting his opponents.

Just as you really started to worry about him, he started moving, making you take a step back into your apartment until he stood inside of it as well, closing the door behind him, not looking away from you the entire time. He reached out for your mug and took it from your hand before he placed it on the sideboard next to you. "What the hell is going on? Seriously Joe, I know that you wouldn't hurt a fly but you kind of scare me by not saying a word and looking at me as if you were the big bad wolf waiting to eat your prey.", you got out before you heard him mumble: "That's a pretty fitting metaphor." Before you could ask him to explain what he meant, he took another step towards you and with one swift move he grabbed your waist, spinning you around and trapping you between his body and the door. You were way too surprised to react and with one last fierce look, he leaned down to you, crashing his lips onto yours. You didn't even think about pushing him away, although everything in you screamed to do so. But instead you wrapped your hands around his neck, pulling him even closer, deepening the kiss by returning it with the same passion he directed to you. You knew that it was wrong for various reasons but yet it felt so right at the same time.

As soon as he broke the kiss, Joe locked eyes with you, gently stroking your cheek as he said with insistence: "You can't move into another state and you sure as hell can't marry him. Promise me that." You were beyond confused as to what just happened and was still happening, hence why you wanted to know: "Can you please tell me what is going on? You are my best friend, but no matter how close we were, you out of nowhere decided to ignore and avoid me for the last weeks. You don't answer my questions and if I get the chance to talk to you, you cut me off with a lame ass excuse. And then suddenly, out of nowhere, you appear here, press me against the door, kiss me like you were my secret lover and as if your life depended on it and want me to promise you that I won't marry my boyfriend. No offense, but I think that I deserve an explanation and a very good one that is." He listened closely to what you had to say, slightly nodding his head, his deep voice muttering: "You're damn right that you do. I owe you one and I know that. And I certainly will give you one, but first I want you to promise me that you won't marry him."

"Joe, I…", you started, only to be interrupted by him right away as he moved closer to you, pinning you with his whole body against the door even more, as he whispered in your ear, his hot breath sending shivers down your spine: "No baby girl, I want you to promise me right here and now that you won't marry him. And then I will give you any explanation you could ask for." You had no idea why he would demand that but since you didn't feel like marrying him anyway, it was no big deal to say it out loud: "Fine, I promise you not to marry him and not to move away. But I want an explanation for all of this now." You were still too shocked to make sense out of everything that was happening while his fingertips were still caressing your cheek, trailing softly over your jawline, his eyes showing an emotion that you were not really able to name. He took his time before he answered: "Because I couldn't stand it, that's why."

As much as you loved the soft touch of his fingers on your skin, your anger started boiling nevertheless. It still didn't make any sense and all you asked for was a simple explanation why your best friend, that was married to a beautiful wife with whom he had an even more beautiful daughter, stormed into your apartment, kissing you like there was no tomorrow, demanding that you would skip on any potential wedding plans. You slapped his hand away and freed yourself from him, before you grabbed your mug and headed into your living room, being absolutely aware that he was following you. As you turned around, you glared up at him and demanded: "You really think that this will do it? "I couldn't stand it"? What kind of explanation is that? It does not explain even a single bit. It doesn't explain you avoiding me, it doesn't explain you appearing here out off nowhere, it doesn't explain you kissing me while your wife is sitting at home. It does not explain shit. Once again… I want to know what is going on. I want to know what all this is about. And quite frankly I want to know all of this right now."

Joe was looking at, trying to find the right words. It took him a couple of seconds before he said: "You want to know what all this is about? For fuck's sake Y/N, I love you. That is what all this is about. And it's not a feeling I have just developed within the last couple of months but I fell for you pretty soon after we met each other in college. You were still with your ex back then and you seemed to be so happy with him. I didn't dare to tell you how I was feeling as I didn't want to scare you away, to lose you as my best friend. And when I met Galina, well I was attracted to her, by far not as much as I was attracted to you, but I thought that I would give it a try, I thought that I could lessen my feelings for you that way, thought I could avoid you being the last thing on my mind when I fell asleep and the first thing on my mind when I woke up. Needless to say that I failed. And when you were crying on my shoulder after your ex had cheated on you, I wanted to rip his heart out for causing you so much pain. And I thought that maybe I should try it, maybe I should just tell you how I was feeling for you but I didn't want to bother you that day. As you had calmed, I really wanted to tell you some time within the next days, wanted you to know that I loved you. But it seemed as if fate had an odd sense of humor as Gee was telling me exactly then that she was pregnant with my kid. And I just couldn't leave her and the baby. I couldn't, that was not how I had been raised. But it killed me a little bit on the inside. I mean sure I was overwhelmed with joy knowing that I would become a father but at the same time I wished that it would have been you telling me this. Well and the rest from that point on is well known history. I stayed with Galina, raising our daughter with her, trying to somehow bottle my feelings up for you, so I could still have you as my best friend. I don't even want to count the daydreams, where I pictured you on my side. When you got to know your boyfriend, I wanted to scare him right away, but you seemed to be happy, so I just swallowed that bitter pill and tried to adjust to that situation. But when you told me that you thought about getting married, I… well I just couldn't take it. It was too much to handle. I went through all of those years hiding what I was feeling for you, but hearing that you were thinking of spending the rest of your life with this guy… I just had to get away. I didn't want to ruin it for you, I certainly didn't. And I know that I'm putting my own family at risk and I'm really sorry for that. But I just couldn't let it happen without trying. I have loved you from the moment you said hello and I'm just tired of fighting against my own feelings. If I have damaged everything between us now, it would hurt. But it would hurt even more not having tried in the first place. So long story short: This is what it is all about, it is about me loving you and not being able to stand the thought of losing you to another guy."

You looked at him in shock, you were absolutely speechless. You had no idea how often you had dreamt about hearing those words from him and now that he had confessed all of that, you noticed that it could have been you saying all of it to Joe instead, as it completely mirrored your own feelings. You simply could not believe that he would feel the same for you like you felt for him. You stared at him, way too overwhelmed to say a word. "Say something, just anything", he plead, fearing that he might have destroyed anything that had been there between the both of your before. Instead of saying anything, you stepped nearer, looking up into his eyes, your own reflecting all of the love and affection you were feeling for him, before you gently pulled his head down, kissing him with all the love you were feeling for him while he wrapped his arms around your waist, pulling you closer, replying immediately.

As you broke apart you smiled up at him, whispering: "I thought I was the only one who felt like that." You couldn't help but laugh at the puzzled expression on his face as he mumbled: "What?" You gently cupped his cheek, saying: "Joe, I have fallen for you that moment our paths crossed for the first time. But as you said, I was in a relationship back then and breaking up as a result of a crush was something I couldn't do. And back then I thought that this was all it actually was. When we grew so close and you told me that you were dating Gee my world crushed a little bit, even more so when you let me know that you would have a baby. I had decided back there and then to bottle up everything I was feeling for you for the rest of my life because I just couldn't let you know. If I knew that you were feeling the same… well I would have had the courage to tell you. To be honest, I never even wanted to marry him but I thought I would give it a try. You know, going away, starting anew, and hoping that my feelings for you would decrease at least a little bit." You could see all of the different emotions running over his face as he processed what you had just confessed. With a huge smile he placed another soft kiss on your lips as he wanted to know: "So that means that it could have been us the whole time if we just had the courage to wear our hearts on our sleeves."

"That sounds way too cheesy for your own good, but yes, I guess that's exactly what it means." , you smiled before your face took on a sad expression. Joe noticed as well hence why he carefully lifted your chin and locked eyes with yours before he asked: "What is it baby girl?" You gave him a sad smile, whispering: "I'm just sad that now, when we know about our feelings for each other, it's too late."

"What do you mean?"

"Oh come on Joe, you know exactly what I mean. You are married to a beautiful wife and you have an even more beautiful child. There is no space for you and me.", you whispered with him pulling you closer as he said: "I'm figuring something out, I promise you. But there is one thing I know. I just can't go on with hiding my feelings for you. I tried for more than a decade and I failed miserably. I'm just asking you for one thing. Give me a chance and I promise you that I will make it work somehow. Will you?"

You peeked up at him and saw all of the love he felt for you mirrored in his eyes. And you knew that it was the same deep love that you felt for him, hence why you slowly nodded your head, pushing every tiny bit of bad conscience aside and whispering: "I'm certainly willing to try because you're all I ever wanted and needed in my life." With that you pulled him down and kissed him gently, hoping that everything would turn out for the best somehow.


	2. Shame

Chapter Summary:

Life couldn't be more beautiful after Joe had confessed to you that he was in love with you from the first time he saw you. Being with him felt like perfection and you didn't think that something could change that. But life has its way of turning the most beautiful dream into a nightmare. You felt that something was bothering him, something that would push your relationship to the edge.

Notes:

Warnings: angst

Pairing: Joe Anoa'i x Reader

Note: This is Part 2 of the Monrose SongFic Series.

Originally published here: post/175184880221/shame-songfic-roman-reigns-x-reader

Monrose - Shame

The song used for this SongFic was Shame by Monrose. Since I'm not allowed to post the lyrics here, please look them up accordingly. :-)

It had been several months since Joe had come to your apartment, confessing his feelings for you and making you promise him that you wouldn't marry your boyfriend - and you had stuck to that. Of course it was not easy at first since he was a really nice guy, but continuing to date him while your heart belonged to your best friend would have been absolutely mean. You didn't tell him the real reason, somehow you couldn't so you just stuck with part of the truth, telling him that you were sorry but you had fallen for someone else without mentioning who it was. For Joe on the other hand it wasn't as easy. Not only because he was married but also because he knew that being honest would destroy his family hence why he kept your relationship a secret in the beginning. When he finally brought up the courage to tell them, he felt absolutely terrible, not only because of having to admit to his wife that he had fallen for you but also having to explain to his daughter why he would not return home every time he would be back after a set of shows. Of course this overshadowed your relationship somehow but besides that, the times you two spent together not only as best friends but also as a couple were simple amazing.

It was one of those rare days when he returned after a couple of shows that you decided to spend most of the time together by heading to the city in order to hop from store to store just to end up at a restaurant in the evening. You enjoyed those rare days with him, just strolling through the city, your hand in his, peeking into all of the different shop windows, knowing that those times were limited and therefore making the best of it. "I could really get used to that.", Joe smiled at you, before he placed a soft kiss on your forehead that made you snuggle closer into his embrace. "Me too, those moments are really way too rare.", you said quietly. The day went by faster than you could have imagined and so did the dinner that you were having in the city.

Since Joe had moved out of his former home, leaving it to his family, the both of you had agreed that he would stay in your apartment whenever he was home. Not that this meant that you had moved in together of course, as this would have been too fast for your own liking, but it seemed to be the best option you had, given that the two of you would spend most of the time together nonetheless, apart from those times of course, where he would make sure to spend some much needed time with his daughter. Just like he had done the day before. You were not sure but you had the impression that something concerned him although he tried to hide it. You had tried to figure out what it might be but whenever you asked him, he would tell you that he was alright.

Your day had been beautiful, like it always was, when you spent the majority of your time with him. You were lying in bed, your naked bodies pressed against each other while he was abstractedly drawing little circles on you shoulder. This moment could have been so perfect if you hadn't known that something bothered him. You just knew him too well so you could tell it right away. Especially since it just wasn't like him to not take care of you after already having had mind blowing sex. You studied his face, concern written all over yours before you wanted to know: "What is it babe?" You could tell that he immediately snapped out of his thoughts, turning his attention to you as he asked: "What do you mean baby girl?"

You lifted yourself up a little bit so you were eye to eye with him, resting your head on your hand as you studied his face. You took your time before you said: "You know exactly what I mean Joe. I can see that something burdens you. It hadn't been there when this whole thing between us started but now… well I guess the page had turned. Something bothers you and I would like to know what it is. You know that you can trust me, don't you?" You could see all of the different emotions running over his face as he tried to gather his thoughts. You had a feeling that whatever was concerning him was nothing you would like to hear, hence why you tried to prepare yourself for the worst. As he remained silent you tried your luck again: "Come on babe, talk to me." He locked eyes with yours, a sad expression on his face as he answered: "You know that I spent the day with Jojo yesterday?" You nodded, of course you knew. It pained you a little bit that you were not part of it, given that in former times you would often tag along as you loved his daughter like your own. But ever since you two had started dating you avoided it. It was hard for her to somehow adjust to the situation and you knew that you would only make it harder if you'd seen her, knowing full well that you were partly to blame in her family not being the same anymore as it had been before.

Before you could ask what he meant, Joe already added, still drawing little circles over your shoulder: "I have never seen her as sad as she was yesterday. I mean when we explained to her that I would not be living with them anymore, she cried of course. But yesterday… She was so depressed, so sad. I never wanted to see my daughter like that. And knowing that it is my own fault, crushed my heart. I just… I can't see her like that." You only knew too well what he was talking about. Of course he wasn't able to keep your relationship a secret for too long, not because you two wouldn't have been discreet but because it would have not been fair, neither towards his wife nor his daughter. And although you had not been there when he had talked to Galina, you at least knew how it went as Joe had told you about it in detail. Galina obviously was kind of shocked at first but after a rather long conversation, she had to admit that her own feelings for him had decreased as well although she still loved him. Joe wasn't sure but he assumed that she might have fallen for someone else as well as he had the impression that she hadn't taken it quite as hard as he had feared. Jojo however was a different case.

When Joe and Galina had told her, her little world shattered. She was absolutely devastated when they let her know that her dad would not be living with them any longer, that he would move out in order to live elsewhere, that he and mummy would go their separate ways but she would always be the number one and would come first. But somehow she made the impression that she caught herself, nodding bravely, knowing that her father would always love her, although he wouldn't return home every single time he had time off. You could absolutely understand that her world must have shattered and you felt so terrible knowing that you were the reason behind all of this. In that moment you hated yourself for loving Joe but you couldn't just deny your feelings for him and you knew quite well that he couldn't deny his own for you either. And right now you could see how much it pained him to cause this pain to her, the one that he promised to keep safe and happy throughout all times since she was born.

You studied his face, knowing quite well what was about to come and there was no denying that it already hurt you and it would probably hurt even more after he had said it out loud. You sat up on the bed, covering your naked body with your blanket as you wanted to know, your voice calmer than you would have expected: "And now you want to tell me that you're going back to your family, which I can totally understand. That all of this - us - was one huge mistake and I can't really disagree." You crossed your arms in front of your chest, your whole gesture showing more rejection than you intended to. Joe lifted himself up, his face showing nothing but pain and sadness as he mumbled: "Us could never be a mistake. I love you Y/N, from the bottom of my heart. I don't want to give any of this up but… I just can't watch my little girl suffer like that." You nodded your head, trying to hide your devastation as you answered: "I understand it. I really do. I just wished you had thought about that before. Before this relationship between us started. Before we crossed that line not being able to go back now. I just wished that you had considered all of this before we gave in to our feelings because it would have saved us so much pain now."

"Baby girl, I…", he started, wanting to reach out for you, but you moved out of his reach, whispering: "Don't. Just don't make it harder than it already is." You could see how much this pained him and you couldn't really believe your ears as he said: "Maybe we could go back to where we were before, you know? I'm not talking about the whole just being best friends thing. But to the point where we kept our relationship a secret.", he said, already regretting it as soon as he had gotten it off his chest. You wanted to know in disbelief: "Are you really just suggesting that you move back in with your family, acting as if nothing had happened while you keep me as your affair, consciously cheating on your wife? You better not be serious for your own good." You could see that he was ashamed of himself but he nevertheless replied: "I'm just trying to figure out a way to not hurt my daughter and nevertheless be together with the one person I love, the one person, that has my heart." You shook your head as you got out of the bed, saying: "Certainly not like that Joe. Not in this lifetime and not in another one. You just can't be serious."

He got out of the bed as well, moving over to you, trying to pull you to his chest but you moved out of the way. You were way too hurt to discuss anything right now. You just wanted to be by yourself, wanted him to be gone. No matter how much you loved him but right now, you just felt as if he had played with your feelings, knowing damn well how much this would pain you. And in that moment you didn't care that it was not easy for him at all either. "Baby I'm…", he started but you just brought your hand up, interrupting him right away as you said: "Don't say a word now Joe. I think it is the best for both of us if you just grab your stuff and leave. Go back to your family, try to fix what had been broken in the meantime and concentrate on them and your job." With that you grabbed his clothes from the floor and pressed them against his chest, him taking them out of pure reflex. "What exactly does that mean?", he wanted to know, not trusting his ears before he added: "That you don't want to see me anymore? That you toss me out of your life? That you just let all of those years we were best friends drop and that you just deny that you love me just like I love you?"

"Don't make it sound as if it was my fault. You know damn well that this is not easy for me, not one bit. But given the circumstances it is the best. I have no idea how I should go on other than just ending it all here. We certainly can't go back to the best friends only scenario and I sure as hell won't be your secret affair, no matter how much I love you. No… the best way to handle it is to just go our separate ways. You live your life, I live mine and eventually all of this will hurt less the more time passes."Joe slightly shook his head, staring down at you, mumbling: "You can't be serious."

"I am absolutely serious. And I'm asking you now to get dressed, grab your stuff and then leave my apartment.", you whispered, trying so hard to hold back the tears, you desperately wanted to cry. "I… don't do this to me.", he stated quietly, his voice heavy with emotions as he lifted your chin with you not moving out of the way this time. "I love you, more than I can say. Don't do this to me. Please baby girl don't ask me to walk out of your life.", he mumbled and within just a few seconds he was leaning down, kissing your lips softly. Against your will you returned his kiss for mere seconds before you slightly pushed him away, your hands pressing against his bare chest. "Don't make it even harder now. If you really love me just do what I have told you. Grab your stuff and walk out of my life.", you whispered, wishing that he would just go as you could feel that you were not able to hide your tears any longer.

He stood there for what seemed like an eternity, staring at you in utter shock and disbelief, before he finally slipped into his clothes, unsure what to do next. You followed his example, putting on some clothes as well before you headed for some of his belongings, throwing them in his suitcase and then looking at him, waiting that he would do the rest of the work. You could see that he was debating his next move but one look at you told him that you were not just messing around. With a heavy heart he grabbed his stuff and packed his belongings in just a few minutes although it felt like seconds on the one hand and a whole eternity on the other quite alike. You watched him as he was getting ready to leave your life and although you wanted him to stay with all your heart, you knew that this would not only destroy him but you quite alike.

As he was done, he stared at you and you could see his eyes glistening with uncried tears. You gulped hard before you took a step towards him, wrapping your hands around his neck and kissing him, knowing that this would be the last time your lips ever touched his again. He pulled you closer, deepening the kiss and you could tell that his devastation took over. Before you could spiral down however, you freed yourself from his embrace, saying: "You should probably just go now before it gets even harder for the both of us. I love you, I really do. And this right here kills me. But not seeing each other again probably will be the best for the both of us to somehow cope with it. And you still have a beautiful family that needs you." Joe rested his forehead on yours as he mumbled: "And I need you more than I could say. I can't live without you. Leaving you now, leaving you forever basically would be the same like tossing my heart in the next best trash can. I love you more than my own life and not seeing you won't change that or make it easier for that matter."

You felt how close you were to tearing up so you just shook your head, stepping away from him, grabbing his suitcase and dragging it to the door, Joe following you on your heels. He knew that he should fight, he knew that he should just convince you that this certainly was not the solution. But he couldn't. He was too much in shock as to how anything had evolved to somehow act rationally. Once you were at the door, you opened it, waiting for him to walk out, not only of your apartment but also of your life. "Y/N please…", he started but you just shook your head and with all the will you could bring up, you said: "No Joe, don't… Just go. Try to treasure what we had and then focus on the important things in your life." You could tell that he didn't want to and this time as he was leaning down to you, you moved out of his way again. He didn't even care about holding back his tears any longer as he grabbed his suitcase, mumbling: "I will always love you and I won't ever be happy without you by my side. Making me leave your life won't make me forget you." With that he walked out of the door without looking back while you were closing it after him.

Once he was gone you sled down the door, leaning against it, letting all of your tears fall down. You felt terribly, you had just made the man you loved leave, the most important person in your life, your best friend, your lover, your soulmate. And yet you knew that you didn't have another choice. He could have never been happy by your side while his heart was aching for his daughter. And you certainly didn't want to destroy a family, didn't want to take a father away from his child. You would make it, somehow you had to, no matter how hard it was going to be. But not seeing him anymore, not hearing from him anymore, maybe it would help with somehow dealing with it. You had no idea how long you had been sitting there, crying your eyes out over what you had lost, but it didn't take too long until you felt completely empty and numb. Somehow you would have to make it, somehow you would have to walk through your life with your head held high. And you couldn't help but be bitter due to the irony this whole dilemma brought with itself. At first you thought you would loose your best friend for unknown reasons as he had avoided you. Now you lost not only your best friend but your lover as well because neither of you considered how big the impact of your relationship would be.

The next days and weeks were as if you lived them through cotton batting. Joe tried to call you, he messaged you, he even appeared in front of your door, but you didn't react. First you at least read his messages but then you just deleted them without checking what he wrote. In order to avoid that he could reach you again, you got a new number. On top of that you were already trying to find a new place to live. It would hurt you to leave everything behind. But you felt like starting anew would help you to forget the man that you loved with all your heart. After all, some things are simply not meant to be and sometimes you just couldn't go back in time, no matter how much you loved to. But you would carry on with your life, just like he would carry on with his.


	3. This is me

Chapter Summary:

It had been months since your and Joe's ways had separated. Months you tried to put the pieces of your life back together, starting life anew. And just as you thought that you would be able to forget him, would be able to live again, fate once again showed that it has different plans for you and him quite alike.

Notes:

Warnings: angst

Pairing: Joe Anoa'i x Reader

Note: This is Part 3 of the Monrose SongFic Series.

Originally published here: post/177640617052/this-is-me-songfic-roman-reigns-x-reader

Monrose - This is Me

The song used for this SongFic was This is Me by Monrose. Since I'm not allowed to post the lyrics here, please look them up accordingly. :-)

It had been several months since you had moved to another city, not just in your former state but a complete different one. Of course it still hurt having lost him but you could feel that it was getting easier, at least you told yourself that. Not living in the same city anymore, where everything reminded you of him, helped you somehow. Your heart was still aching for Joe and sometimes you were close to just grabbing your phone and dialing his number that you knew by heart but you didn't. You knew that you would just make it worse and whatever he was doing now, you hoped that he was able to repair the damage you and him had done to his family. You avoided watching TV whenever RAW came on because you knew that seeing his face would just stir up everything again that you tried to push to the back of your mind. It took you some time to be able to do so and it took you an even longer time to somehow adjust to the situation. At first you just wanted to lie on the floor and bawl your eyes out due to how downhill everything had went ever since you told Joe that you were planning on marrying your boyfriend. It took you several tries to get back up to your feet and dust yourself off.

There was still this huge emptiness in you, the part of you that left you the day you made him walk out of your life, but you were absolutely determined to somehow fill it. You knew that this was impossible but that didn't mean that you couldn't try. And a first step in order to do so was to pack your stuff, quit your job and start anew, preferably far away where nothing would remind you of the man you loved with all your heart. It was a little challenge to find a new city you could feel at home, to find a new job and an apartment you would feel comfortable in, but you managed to do all of that. With the help of your friends you pulled up your stakes, leaving your old life behind, moving to a city several hundred miles away and starting there anew. With everything being unknown to you, you were at least occupied, not being able to think of him again and again. Your job was rather challenging but you loved it, giving you the chance to meet a lot of new people. You were already making the first acquaintances days after you had moved into your new apartment and couple days later you did not only become friends with a lot of your neighbors but some of your colleagues quite alike. Of course, none of them could ever replace the wonderful friendship you had with Joe but you didn't look for a replacement anyway. You looked for something fresh and new.

Before you could think twice you were welcomed to a new circle of friends, you would go out with from time to time and you knew that you could count on them whenever you needed their help. And although your heart was still shattered, you started dating again. Nothing serious of course, not even a bunch of one night stands, but just going to the movies, a nice restaurant or even a basketball game with some guys, whose company you enjoyed. But no matter how many dates you went on, you would always find yourself comparing them to the Samoan, that was not only your best friend for over a decade but also your lover for a limited amount of time. And no matter how often you scolded yourself for doing so, you just couldn't change it. It was like a curse. Whenever you thought that you could give the guy, you went on a date with, a second chance, it was always his face occupying your thoughts and your mind, reminding you how unforgettable the times with him were and that nothing and no one could ever reach that. It was not fair at all but this always prevented you from going to more than one or maybe two dates with the same guy. You knew that you had to change that, that you somehow had to get over him, that all of this wasn't good for your own well- being but it was easier said than done. Maybe it would already help you to just lock away your feelings and open up to other guys on a strictly physical level again, so you could take this as a base and start working from there. You knew that this wouldn't be the perfect solution but you had to start somewhere if you somehow wanted to return to the old you again. You would have to work on that anyway.

It was one of those lazy Saturdays and after a whole week at work, that was rather challenging, you were just happy to lie down on your couch in order to watch your favorite show on Netflix. You loved evenings like that, where you could just relax, not having to dress up, being able to fall asleep whenever you wanted to. Just as you were about to start the next episode the doorbell rang. You grumbled to yourself but decided to ignore it. As it rang again and again you got up and moved over to the door, rather annoyed at whoever dared to interrupt your evening. As you opened the door you crooked an eyebrow as you saw some of your friends standing there. "What are you doing here?", you wanted to know, rather surprised as you hadn't expected any visitors. Your friends didn't wait for your invitation before they entered your apartment, smiling at you. You didn't know why but you were quite sure that you wouldn't like the reason for their visit. "We are here to pick you up Y/N.", one of them said, highly amused at your confusion. "What? Pick me up to go where?", you questioned with your friend replying: "Come on Y/N. It's Saturday, we are young and the night belongs to us. You can sleep when you are dead but right now we want to take you to our usual club. They have some pretty awesome live music there tonight and it would be a shame to waste your evening on your couch instead." You looked at them rather skeptical, not really wanting to leave the comfort of your own home. On the other hand, you loved spending time with your friends and if you were honest to yourself one of the guys had caught your attention. It was not that you were head over heels but you at least enjoyed his company - although it was not the company of a certain other person of course.

You thought about it, wanting to disagree but you decided that it wouldn't hurt going out and having some fun. So you just smiled at your friends, saying: "Okay give me a minute. I'll be right back. Oh and feel as if you were at home" With that you vanished into your sleeping room, grabbing your favorite dress and heels, before you headed into the bathroom to jump into your clothes, putting a little make up on and combing through your hair. A last look convinced you that you were ready and as you moved out of the bathroom to join your friends you were greeted with a lot of compliments. "You look stunning, I hope that you know that." Y/F/N said, the one that you actually found pretty attractive. "Well, thank you Y/F/N, you don't look too bad either.", you winked at him, making him chuckle. As you grabbed your bag you signaled to them that you were ready to go and the bunch of you left your apartment. Luckily for you the club was in walking distance, meaning it wouldn't be too bad if you had a drink or two.

When you were heading there your thoughts travelled back to Joe, automatically thinking of all of the times you and him would hit the clubs in the past, and you could feel how your heart was growing heavy immediately. You cursed yourself and decided to ban every single thought of him to the back of your mind. It wasn't long until you reached the club with Y/F/N, who had put his shoulder over your arm, pulling you closer to him, asking: "You're alright Y/N? You look kinda sad." You tried to smile at him as you answered: "Yeah I'm alright. I just had to think of something."

"Something concerning your past?", he wanted to know with you smiling sadly as you replied: "Yeah. It wasn't hard to guess, huh?" He smiled at you, pulling you closer as he said: "Not at all. And to be honest, whoever he is that had hurt you that bad, he deserves to be slapped in the face." You looked at him in shock as you asked: "How do you know? I have never said anything like that." He thought about his words before he answered: "It sounds completely cheesy but in certain moments, when you think no one is watching, you seem to be absolutely heartbroken. The kind of heartbroken you actually just experience when a person you love from the bottom of your heart has betrayed you. I have just figured that it was a boyfriend that hurt you or something like that." You had to gulp hard, feeling how your eyes were already filling with tears as you mumbled: "To be honest, you are not far from the truth. Heartbroken is pretty fitting. But… I mean… he has not betrayed me. I made him leave."

"Do you want to talk about it?", he wanted to know with you shaking your head as you answered: "Not really, no. But thank you for your offer. Right now I just want to go to this club, dance the night away and leave my old life and everything, that's bothering me, behind." He smiled down at you, saying: "We certainly can do that." You smiled up at him and joined the happy chatter of your other friends as you queued in front of the club, waiting to be allowed in.

Once you were in, you made sure to get to your usual table as fast as possible, ordering your drinks while you were sitting together, chatting and laughing. You were really glad that you tagged along, especially since the live music was indeed absolutely and your friends talked about anything; what had happened at your work places, sharing funny stories about other friends you didn't know, talking about almost anything in the world. And you were more than just grateful that they didn't question you about your past once. When you had been moving there, you had only told them that it was because of a new job offer. Of course, you missed your initial home and all the people there, but the job was worth it to resettle. You had no idea how much of that they actually believed but you didn't really feel like telling them the real reason why you packed your stuff and left. Right now the last thing you wanted to do was to think about your past, but obviously destiny had other plans for you.

You were still trapped in a funny conversation with your friends when one of them suddenly said: "Hey look at that. Aren't those some of those WWE guys?" Your heart instantly sank as your conversation dropped with your friends turning their attention to the new arrivals. You didn't want to look, didn't dare to. You prayed to anyone, who would listen, that you wouldn't see who you feared you would be seeing but it was useless. As you peeked into the direction of the entrance your heart sank even further. You had been avoiding him for the last couple of months, you made him walk out of your life, telling him that he shouldn't dare to come back in, and yet seeing Joe standing there, immediately made you feel as if your whole past, your whole home, your whole life had returned in that very moment. And it didn't hurt any less than it did before, of course it didn't. You could hear your friends discuss them and the "Oh yeah they had an event here today, I have seen the billboards before" was rather distant and yet it hit you full force. You had never considered that you could cross paths again due to a show he would be wrestling in your new hometown. Of course the possibility was there but you just hadn't thought about it. You were hoping that he wouldn't turn his attention to you as he was waiting with Dean, Seth, Braun, Bray and a bunch of other guys for a table. And although he still looked as gorgeous as ever you noticed the sad expression on his face he had covered up with a stubborn mask. To other people he might just appear cool but you knew it better. You had seen that expression before.

When you heard your friends call your name, you snapped out of your thoughts and asked puzzled: "What? I'm sorry I didn't listen." One of your friends smiled at you as she wanted to know: "They are hot, aren't they?" You shrugged your shoulders as you mumbled: "Kind of, I guess." Your friend looked at you in disbelief as she wanted to know: "Do you even watch wrestling or know them?" Of course you did, better than you wished you did but you just shook your head, hoping that none of them would notice you, with your friend sighing dramatically as she exclaimed: "Doesn't matter. There is just one thing you need to know about that group. You're seeing the guy with the tattoo over his arm, that looks like a greek god?" You had to bite your tongue. The whole situation was anything else but funny but you couldn't help but burst out laughing on the inside, knowing exactly that Joe would have pulled his most murderous face, if he had heard that comparison. Of course, he knew that he was good looking but he absolutely hated it if people reduced him to his looks only. So you just tried to keep a straight face as you said: "Yeah I do. What's with him?" Your friend giggled as she said: "That's Roman Reigns, probably the hottest guy the wrestling world has to offer. If he'd ask me to come with him you wouldn't see me around here anymore because I would be gone with him that very moment." Your friends had to laugh out loud while you shot her an annoyed look, saying: "Believe me that won't happen."

"How'd you know?", she wanted to know, crooking an eyebrow as you shrugged your shoulders. "I just assume, that's it.", you answered as you watched the group of wrestlers head for the other side of the room, relaxing a little bit as none of them had noticed you. Y/F/N leaned over to you as he wanted to know: "Contrary to what you had just said you know him quite well, don't you? Was he the one you had asked to walk out of your life?" You must have looked as if someone smacked you right across the face as you wanted to know: "What? I mean how…? How do you know that?" You didn't want to admit it but you were taken way too much by surprise to deny it. He gave you a sad smile as he answered: "I have noticed that the heartbroken look was back the moment you saw him. If you want to leave, I can bring you home." You thought about it for a second before you shook your head, saying: "No I'm good. We're here to have a good time and this should not change that. Let's just not talk about this topic any longer." He looked at you questioningly but with a shrug of his shoulders he joined your friends' conversation again, with you following his example.

You tried not to look towards Joe's direction but you couldn't help peeking here and there. While his friends seemed to have a pretty good time, he was rather quiet, not really joining their conversation but staring down at the drink in his hand, twirling the glass between his fingers. As you saw him like that you not only felt the urge to move over to him and pull him into your arms, but you couldn't help but think of all of those times those skilled fingers traced over your body, sending shivers down your spine. With all of your self-control and will you turned your attention away from him, focusing on your friends again. You didn't know how long you managed to not look at him but the next time you did, your breath instantly hitched as you found him staring at you, his face expressing the same shock you had felt the moment he entered the club so many minutes ago. You held his glare for a few seconds before you turned away, cursing yourself for feeling the way you did in that moment. You actually thought that it would have been easier by now but seeing him in person again, brought back everything that had happened. You wanted to tear up, wanted to be anywhere but here, wanted him to be gone. But you knew that you somehow would have to get through it. You tried to ignore the fact that he was there, focusing fully on your friends again. Y/F/N had noticed how shook you were hence why he engaged you in a conversation about your work and you were more than just grateful for the distraction he offered. You could feel Joe's eyes on you from time to time but you absolutely refused to return his gaze. You would not toss all your will aside now, you would not undo what had happened months ago. You had moved on and you were quite sure that he had done so as well.

Most of your friends were on the dance floor by now, leaving you and Y/F/N back at the table alone. He smiled at you as he wanted to know: "What do you say Y/N? Are you in the mood for dancing? I have to go to the bathroom first but it would be my pleasure if we hit the dance floor then." You couldn't help but chuckle. It was just so sweet how he tried to keep your thoughts occupied. You nodded your head, saying: "I would love to."

"Perfect, be right back.", he smiled at you as he got up, vanishing just seconds after. You took a deep breath before you took a sip of your drink. Y/F/N hadn't left too long ago until you heard a familiar voice, that made your blood freeze, say: "I guess you have found someone new in your life, huh?" You looked up and stared directly in Joe's eyes, that expressed pain and anger quite alike. "Wow what a nice conversation starter. I'm happy to see you as well.", you said sarcastically, trying to hide the hurt and confusion of seeing him again after all those months. He glared down at you, answering: "What do you expect? You toss me out of your life, you tell me that you don't want to see me again, you absolutely ignore me when I tried to reach out to you and then I have to hear from other people that you just moved away without saying a word. I thought we were friends." You could see how hurt he was. He tried to hide it behind a mask of anger but you knew him too well to buy it. "Joe, I really don't want to discuss any of that with you now. Go back to your friends, leave me alone with mine and just act as if this here had never happened.", you sighed with him wanting to know in disbelief: "Really? Is that all you have to say?" You shrugged your shoulders, replying: "Yeah, there's not really much more to say. Everything that had to be said, was said months ago. I hope you live a great life and I'm wishing you all the best in doing so. But I really don't feel like having a conversation with you. So just go." You had to hold yourself back from just dropping your distant appearance, to fall into his arms, to cry about anything that had happened and most of all to tell him that you still loved him more than words can say although it just wasn't meant to be.

Before he could say another word or you could give in, Y/F/N had come back, not really caring about Joe as he wanted to know from you: "You're ready Y/N?"

"As ready as I can be.", you smiled before you put your drink on the table and followed his invitation to the dance floor. You tried to ignore your former best friend and ex lover as best as possible but as you were passing by him, he grabbed your arm and leaned down to you, whispering into your ear: "Please don't walk away like that. Not again. I couldn't take it the first time and I can't take it another one." You shook your head as you whispered "I'm sorry" before you freed yourself from him, heading to the dance floor with Y/F/N, leaving Joe where he was. You had no idea to how many songs you and Y/F/N had danced to already but you had to admit that you enjoyed it. It somehow helped you to forget about Joe's presence and saved you the embarrassment from excusing yourself in order to head home. You made sure to not cross paths with him again although you were quite certain that he was still keeping his eyes on you. It came absolutely unexpected when Y/F/N suddenly leaned down to you, capturing your lips in a kiss. You were way too surprised to back away so you just let it happen, wrapping your hands around his neck out of pure reflex. You had no idea what you were doing there, given that he was a really great guy and a great friend but you were far from feeling anything else than that. Nevertheless you returned his kiss. Part of you wanted Joe to watch it, to make him suffer for having the both of you pushed over the edge just to withdraw from your relationship what felt like the very next moment. Out of the corner of your eyes you saw that he had indeed noticed what was going on and you could feel his anger and hurt radiating from him.

The next thing you remembered was that Y/F/N's lips were suddenly gone from your own and you were staring at Joe who had pulled Y/F/N away from you, groaning: "You should keep your hands to yourself, boy." It took you a moment to snap out of your shock before you wanted to know, your voice shaking with anger: "What the hell do you think you're doing?" He turned his attention from Y/F/N, who was way too shocked to act, to you as he took a step closer, saying: "I'm making sure that you're not making a wrong decision just like I had made sure that you hadn't made a wrong decision back then when you considered to get married." You didn't back down, quite the contrary, you stepped forward, almost touching him, as you hissed: "The only wrong decision and mistake I had made was loving you because it broke me." With that you moved passed him, mumbling an excuse in your friend's direction. You just had to get out there, had to get away from the man, that still held your heart no matter what had happened. You wanted to be alone in the safety of your four walls and just wanted to forget about this encounter. You knew that he would be gone the next day already as his job would take him into another city. You would have given anything if you hadn't let your friends convince you to come with them and therefore would have avoided this misery, but it was not possible. The only possibility you had was to get away as fast as possible and forget about it all - once again, hoping that you would be more successful this time than the last.

Just seconds later you left the club and headed in the direction of your apartment. You heard Joe call your name but instead of slowing down, you increased your pace. The last thing you needed now was to have to face him in the middle of the night on an almost empty street. Of course you had done that equation without him as he caught up with you within seconds, grabbing your wrist, making you stop in your tracks. You tried to break free from him but he was just spinning you around, holding you close before he kissed you with a mix of passion and despair. You tried to push him away, tried to fight him off, but he was too strong. And if you were true to yourself, you didn't really want to. You enjoyed the feeling of his lips on your own way too much as it was sending you back months ago when everything was still alright, when you loved each other and thought that you would have a future. Without intending to, you suddenly responded to his kiss, feeling as if you had returned home after a long and exhausting journey. It took you some time until your will was strong enough to free yourself from his embrace.

Both of your were breathing heavily as you stared at each other, unsure about how to act. You stiffened your shoulders but before you could say something he pleaded: "I know that you had said that you don't ever want to see me again. And I'm so sorry for all the hurt I put you through. But I'm asking you to give me a chance in order to prove to you that things have changed. I have never stopped loving you, I never could and not having you by my side is something I can't live with. Please baby girl just hear me out. Let me explain everything."

"I don't know what this should change. We have been at this point already and we crossed the point of no return. Going back there would just end in the same result and I can't do this a second time. I just can't. I'm not strong enough.", you said as you turned around, heading your initial way but Joe was not willing to give up, was not willing to lose you once again. "I don't care if I have to follow you to the end of the world until you will hear me out, baby. I'm not leaving. Not like that.", he said and as you turned around again to look at him, you could see that he was 100% serious. He wouldn't let you go like that. And although you knew that you probably would regret it, you made the decision to hear him out. Of course, it wouldn't change anything but it would help you at least to deal with the whole situation better. Or so you hoped at least. You slowly nodded your head as you mumbled, quite sure that you would probably regret it: "Okay I'm willing to listen to you explaining yourself. I'm not living far from here." And with that you turned around again, knowing damn well that he was following you. As you heard him say: "Thanks babe you won't regret it." you couldn't help but feel kind of sad, because you were sure that you would in the end.


End file.
